


Live Through This and You Won't Look Back

by nymphadoraholtzmann



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/F, Femslash, Not A Happy Ending, One Shot, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 22:50:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9094192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nymphadoraholtzmann/pseuds/nymphadoraholtzmann
Summary: The two girls looked at each other in surprise, blue eyes meeting green. Narcissa broke eye contact first, clearing her throat delicately and turning to ask Severus a question about her essay.
She didn’t speak or look at Lily again that day, but it didn’t stop her from thinking about deep green eyes that night.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Fair warning, this is not going to have a happy ending. I have a lot of sad queer girl feelings, so here.

It started with a potions essay on a Saturday in March. Narcissa was working with Severus in the library. He was one of the few Slytherin boys she was allowed to socialize with since her courtship to Lucius had been made official at the Malfoy New Year’s party. She was still in sixth year and Lucius had already graduated but it was not uncommon for these things to be arranged at their age. He was handsome and rich and powerful; he would be a good provider for her and their children, her father had told her. He adored Narcissa with a fervour that was almost unsettling, especially because Narcissa, while fond of Lucius, had never fallen in love with him. There was always something...off. Luckily she was an excellent actress.

Lily Evans walked into the library that morning fuming. She threw her bag on the table across from Severus and Narcissa, causing it to land with a bang that made Madam Pince raise her eyebrows and clear her throat. “Really, Evans. Must all Gryffindor’s burst into every room they enter with such...emotion?” Narcissa drawled lazily, rolling her eyes. Why Severus insisted on still associating with the girl was beyond her.

Lily sat down, a flush creeping across her cheeks. “Sorry, Black. I didn’t realize that the Slytherin princess would be joining us today, Sev,” Lily said quietly, glaring at her friend. Why he insisted on associating with Narcissa Black, of all the Slytherins, escaped her.

Severus rolled his eyes at the pair of them, continuing to write notes from the enormous potions book on the table. “I don’t understand why you don’t just hex the lot of them and be done with it,” Severus said, referring to James Potter and his group of idiot friends, Lily’s constant source of irritation and exasperation.

“That would only encourage them,” Narcissa and Lily said at once. The two girls looked at each other in surprise, blue eyes meeting green. Narcissa broke eye contact first, clearing her throat delicately and turning to ask Severus a question about her essay.

She didn’t speak or look at Lily again that day, but it didn’t stop her from thinking about deep green eyes that night.

 

* * *

 

Two weeks later, Narcissa sat alone in the library. Severus was off doing...whatever it was Severus did. It was a Hogsmeade weekend but Narcissa was in no mood to go down to the village. Lucius was away and couldn’t come take her for lunch so she had no reason to go. Instead she had spent the morning staring at her parchment, hoping she could stop thinking about green eyes that reminded her of the forest and red hair that glistened gold in the sun.

Not that she had been paying specific attention to Lily, really. She just shared a lot of classes with her. Regardless of her blood status, she was a talented witch. Only a fool wouldn’t be keeping an eye on talented witches and wizards in their year. Or at least, that is what she told herself when she caught herself looking too long at the other girl. That is what she told herself Lily was doing when she felt the other girl’s eyes on her just as often.

Lily didn’t go to Hogsmeade that weekend either. Not that James hadn’t asked her, as he always did. But she was having trouble focusing as of late. Not that it had anything to do with a pair of icey blue eyes and long white blonde hair. And it would have been rude not to sit with Narcissa. Or at least say hello. That’s what Lily told herself when she walked over to the Slytherin at her table.

Narcissa looked up as Lily approached. “Lily, I’m surprised you’re not down in the village.” She carefully avoided eye contact as she shuffled papers to make space for the other girl. It would be rude not to invite her to sit. Lily sat, stunned that Narcissa had called her by her first name, instead of just “Evans”.

“I could say the same about you, Narcissa,” Lily smiled, enjoying the way the name felt in her mouth. Narcissa finally met her eyes. She flushed slightly and looked away again.

“I wanted to get some work done on this transfiguration essay,” she said quietly, looking down at the blank parchment in front of her. “Clearly, it’s going well.”

Lily chuckled, “Did I just hear Narcissa Black make a joke? I think I may need to lie down.”

Narcissa smiled, looking at Lily, a hint of mischief behind the blue eyes that were so often cold and icy. Now they looked like the ocean, deep and fathomless. “Well you can’t do it here, Madam Pince will have your head if you drool on the books.”

Lily laughed out loud and Narcissa thought she had never heard anything so beautiful.

 

* * *

 

 

Another two weeks after that and Narcissa and Lily had been studying together daily, much to the confusion of almost everyone. But then, they were both bright girls and Lily had already spent much of her Hogwarts career crossing House lines in her friendships.

One evening, the two girls sat side by side towards the back of the library. Narcissa laid her quill down with a sigh. “I think I may be finished for tonight, or else my brain might begin to leak out of my ears.”

“We can’t have that, it’ll ruin your robes,” Lily said, smirking at her, her mouth quirked up on only one side in a way that made Narcissa flush. “It’s almost time for my rounds anyway, would you like a walk back to the dungeons?”

Narcissa nodded and they packed up their books in silence, hands accidentally brushing as they passed each other pieces of parchment and books. The walk to the dungeons was quiet. Narcissa was so _aware_ of Lily next to her. When they finally reached the dungeons, Narcissa turned to Lily. She couldn’t stand it anymore, she had to touch her. Without thinking, she reached out and brushed a hand across Lily’s ivory cheek, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Then, as if she had been burned, she snatched her hand back and turn and ran to her common room, not looking back to see Lily’s stunned face, frozen reaching for Narcissa’s hand.

 

* * *

 

Not a week after that, Lily was tired of Narcissa avoiding her. She hadn’t come to the library and she wouldn’t even look at Lily in class. Lily knew she wasn’t the only one who felt what was between them. She hadn’t expected it, to feel this way about another girl and certainly not to feel this way about the pure blood Slytherin princess, but surely things happened for a reason? She wasn’t going down without a fight.

On her rounds through the dungeons that night Lily caught sight of tell-tale blonde hair rounding the corner. “Narcissa!” she called after her, running to catch her. She caught up to her, Narcissa breathing heavily, facing away from Lily towards the wall. “You can’t avoid me forever.”

“I can try,” Narcissa said quietly. Lily stepped forward, placing a hand on her shoulder. Narcissa turned towards her, Lily’s hand sliding down her arm. Their eyes met, Narcissa’s overflowing with tears.

“None of that now,” Lily said softly, wiping the tears away from the other girl’s face with her thumb.

Then her lips were on Lily’s and Narcissa couldn’t help but think that this was what she had been missing.

 

* * *

 

 

The day Severus ended their friendship by calling her _that word_ , Lily cried in Narcissa’s arms in the second floor girl’s bathroom. That night, Severus would find that his pillowcase was full of live snakes and that Narcissa was no longer speaking to him.  
 

* * *

 

“Promise you’ll write to me,” Lily said, cradling Narcissa’s head in her lap. “The summer will be so long without you.”

“Of course I will, darling,” Narcissa reached up to stroke Lily’s cheek, savouring the way she blushed at her touch. This would indeed be a long summer. “I’m sure I’ll be able to sneak away to see you. Andromeda will surely be betrothed this summer, if not Bellatrix as well. My parents will be too busy to keep track of me at all times.” Lily smiled down at her.

“Will you be able to get away from Lucius?” she asked tentatively, running her fingers through Narcissa’s long hair. They rarely discussed her almost-engagement, but it was always looming on the edge of the sanctuary they had made themselves. Narcissa sat up, brow furrowed sadly.

“Oh that odious courtship. I wish I could break it and run away.”

“Why don’t you?” Lily spoke quickly, hoping if she got it all out before she could come up with reasons why it would never work, Narcissa would agree to her plan. “We’re both clever enough, we could get jobs after school no problem. We don’t need money; we just need each other. Come with me, Cissa. We could get a little place in London. I’m hoping to get an apprenticeship with a potions master Slughorn knows. We could do it. After graduation, just...don’t go home. Come with me.”

Narcissa turned, wide-eyed. Lily was talking nonsense. Just...leave? She couldn’t, could she? Her family would never speak to her again, running off with not only a woman, but a muggle-born at that. But..she would have Lily. This brilliant, mad, ginger. Narcissa leaned forward, resting her forehead against Lily’s. “I love you.”

“I love you.”

 

* * *

 

Narcissa arrived home that summer to chaos. Andromeda had gone and married a muggle-born in secret. Her father married a clearly unhinged Bellatrix off to a Lestrange brother, both of them devoted to the Dark Lord, an allegiance Narcissa had hoped she and her sisters could have escaped. She watched one sister torture the other as her father signed her betrothal contract to Lucius. There was no way out now.

 

* * *

 

Lily waited for Narcissa’s letters all summer, but none ever came.

 

* * *

 

September first of their seventh year found Narcissa Black and Lily Evans in a compartment alone on the Hogwarts Express. The shades drawn and silencing charms cast, Narcissa told Lily what had transpired. They both wept and held each other one last time.

 

* * *

 

Narcissa received a package one morning shortly after the start of term at breakfast. The box contained different shades of ivory lace for her to choose for her wedding gown. Her eyes caught Lily’s across the great hall.

  
Later that day, James asked Lily to go to Hogsmeade for the 100th time. Lily said yes.


End file.
